Wednesday, November 09, 2005

In the Year 2004

Originally written Nov. 7, 2004 (written in the manner Conan O'Brien does his "In the Year 2000" bit)

In the Year 2004….and beyond

The economy as we know it is replaced by bartering and soup lines stretch for miles.

The middle class will become known as the Proletariat.

Terrorism becomes more prevalent than ever, and the tallest building in the country is reduced to 10 stories.

Iraq is renamed United States Part 2: The Middle East Connection

The practice of abortion goes back to being an underground practice, but Cocaine becomes legal instead.

Illegal immigrants are no longer considered illegal when they choose to work on Bush’s ranch in Texas for lemonade prepared by Barbara Bush

There is a huge egg shortage after the Presidential inauguration motorcade drives down Constitution Ave.

Education becomes entirely privatized and costs $100,000 for a K-6 education.

Common sense ceases to exist.

Trees become extinct everywhere except the Oval Office and Wyoming.

The Constitution is revised with Bush’s definition of ‘marriage’ because ‘union’ is too flimsy.

VP Cheney sneezes, farts, burps and suffers a heart attack all at once and is given a World Record for his accomplishment.

Terrorism becomes a hobby among Caucasians just to throw us off.

It is decided that if you don’t drive either a Mercedes or BMW you aren’t allowed to drive on highways.

State police forces shrink and are only allowed to have 1 officer per 10,000 people.

Social security is only for senior citizens that live past the age of 90.

Every child that is older than the age of 5 is given an AK-47 for Christmas.

The extinct Dodo bird replaces the weakened bald eagle as the national bird.

Slap bracelets make a come back in the form of GPS and recording devices issued by the government under the Patriot Act.

Opinions now costs money but can only be published or said if the government likes what you are saying.

Free speech is no longer free, you have to pay to talk but these opinions could get you fined or the death penalty.

Britney Spears is elected to the Supreme Court alongside Christina Aguilera and Beyonce,

Gay marriages will be allowed, but only if it’s between two really hot lesbians.

Going to war will become akin to a game of Risk except all the dice are red and the President is playing alone.

Americans become even fatter when the High Couch Potato Diet replaces Low-Carb dieting

Planes are only allowed to fly in and out of the country every other month on the third Wednesday.

America’s favorite pastime switches from baseball to oil drilling.

The New York Yankees are renamed the American League All-Stars when their payroll exceeds $250 million…The Red Sox still win 4 more World Series.

The idea of universal healthcare becomes more foreign than a major Philadelphia sports team winning a championship.

Prejudice against minorities because of their sex, race, religion or sexual orientation replaces voting as a civic duty.

Researches to alleviate all major illnesses are deemed unnecessary and frivolous.

The extremely rich continue not to pay taxes – the rest of us enjoy paying more to support them.

A woman’s body becomes public property.

In a harsh turn of events we begin to arm bears.

The deficit grows to elevntiybagillion dollars and the US files for Chapter 11.

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